Chapter 5: Narciscuss & Two Weeks in Review

Posted by admin on March 5th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

So in my last post I spoke about how both narcissism and insecurity have been holding me back from truly getting to the next level as an artist.

I thought more about the reasons for why I felt like I needed to do everything (see Chapter 4 for more details) and in thinking about it, I realized that it really does come from a deep rooted desire to be “everyones” favorite (musically speaking that is.)  It’s completely irrational I know, and I feel slightly embarrassed being so transparent about myself in such a public forum as a blog…but it’s the truth.  I believe that my drive to please others by trying (and failing) to appeal to the full gamut of musical tastes (an R&B song here…a jazz etude here, a pop song here etc.) is the result of me feeling like “making it,” is being “everybody’s favorite.”  Of course this is impossible, as well as irrational but, in soul searching a bit as to where that drive came from…this is what I discovered.

This is narcissism at it’s best, and before I drown in the waters of my childish self-absorption, I am calling it quits today.  No more.  I understand that this desire is an unconscious, psychological blunder, humorously made manifest by wanting to musically please everybody so that I don’t have to deal with not being liked by everybody, but no more.  So here’s the truth:

Most people in the world won’t love my music.

Some people in the world, will hate my music

A fraction of people in the world will LOVE my music.

That fraction will like other things as well that are similar to my music.  They will probably enjoy books like “The Fountainhead” or “Catcher in the Rye.”  They will like personal development books by authors like Osho and Tony Robbins as well. They most likely will care about lyrics in addition to “catchy hooks” and have an ear for sometimes unique or obscure melodies.  They will probably like shows like South Park, or shows on HBO like True Blood or Six Feet Under.  Music is probably very important to the people who will take to  my music as it’s not great “Easy Listening” or “background” music.  For the most part (with exceptions of course) my music will appeal mostly to people over the age of 17 and under the age of 45.  I could go on and on, but you get my point. (If you love my music and don’t fit into any of these categories, unless you are my mom or dad, please let me know.)

And this is how it should be.

So no more loosey goosey, flying by the seat of my pants, just-wing-it, try to please everybody mentality.  I am focusing all my efforts now to total musical impeccability, top notch performances and shit loads of intense, near perfectionist practice.

The Past Two Weeks In Review:

Facebook Fans: I started two weeks ago with 268 fans.  I now have 900

Website Views: In the month of February I had a measly 22 views to my website.  In this last week alone I’ve had 70 (not huge numbers yet, but progress is still progress!)

Twitter: I did not record my twitter followers two weeks ago.  Right now I have 205.  We’ll see how much that number goes up in two weeks.

Other: I had no band members two weeks ago…I now found an amazing bass player.

Stay tuned…

Chapter 3: “I Wanted to See You Smile”

Posted by admin on February 26th, 2010 | No Comments »

“I wanted to see you smile.”

That’s what my friend said to me after my gig this past Wednesday.  It was my first gig in a couple months and I was nervous for a number of reasons, and apparently I didn’t smile onstage.

Here is why I was nervous:

1) It was my first gig with my new friend Arthur, a truly remarkable bassist and music business veteran.  He said to me before the gig that we had not rehearsed enough (we had played together twice) and suggested I play the stint solo so that we could have more time to practice before getting in front of an audience.  I asked him to play anyway, saying it would be fun, loose and casual.  He is a nice guy so he acquiesced even though he knew that it would be sub-par.  He was right.  In my next post I will discuss what I learned regarding my attitude to things being “fun, loose and casual,” but more on that later.

2) I was nervous because the venue, a college dive-bar in the west village booked me on the basis that I would bring 15 people to the gig because they didn’t have a built in crowd.  Give or take, I had around that many people confirm with me beforehand, and almost all of them canceled last minute.  Showing up “empty handed” so to speak was relatively embarrassing and added to my anxiety.

So why didn’t I smile? My friend said he wanted to see me smile, he wanted to feel me more and that the few times I got into it were the best parts of the show.  I was playing music, my favorite thing to do on the planet and I didn’t allow myself to open up because I had convinced myself that in order to protect myself from “looking bad” or “being embarrassed”  by the small turnout, I had to just “play it cool.”  The bullshit I made up in my head was that if I was to really get into it for an audience of just 5 people at a dirty bar then I would look like a loser, AND I would make my 5 friends uncomfortable.  In reality, I deprived my true gifts from the people who wanted to come to see me at my best and missed an opportunity to show the strangers that were there how truly powerful my music can be, like it or not.

In the war against my Ego and my Highest Self, unfortunately my sheepish ego got the best of me this time.  This won’t last for long though.  I promise.

Zach