Chapter 3: “I Wanted to See You Smile”

Posted by admin on February 26th, 2010 | No Comments »

“I wanted to see you smile.”

That’s what my friend said to me after my gig this past Wednesday.  It was my first gig in a couple months and I was nervous for a number of reasons, and apparently I didn’t smile onstage.

Here is why I was nervous:

1) It was my first gig with my new friend Arthur, a truly remarkable bassist and music business veteran.  He said to me before the gig that we had not rehearsed enough (we had played together twice) and suggested I play the stint solo so that we could have more time to practice before getting in front of an audience.  I asked him to play anyway, saying it would be fun, loose and casual.  He is a nice guy so he acquiesced even though he knew that it would be sub-par.  He was right.  In my next post I will discuss what I learned regarding my attitude to things being “fun, loose and casual,” but more on that later.

2) I was nervous because the venue, a college dive-bar in the west village booked me on the basis that I would bring 15 people to the gig because they didn’t have a built in crowd.  Give or take, I had around that many people confirm with me beforehand, and almost all of them canceled last minute.  Showing up “empty handed” so to speak was relatively embarrassing and added to my anxiety.

So why didn’t I smile? My friend said he wanted to see me smile, he wanted to feel me more and that the few times I got into it were the best parts of the show.  I was playing music, my favorite thing to do on the planet and I didn’t allow myself to open up because I had convinced myself that in order to protect myself from “looking bad” or “being embarrassed”  by the small turnout, I had to just “play it cool.”  The bullshit I made up in my head was that if I was to really get into it for an audience of just 5 people at a dirty bar then I would look like a loser, AND I would make my 5 friends uncomfortable.  In reality, I deprived my true gifts from the people who wanted to come to see me at my best and missed an opportunity to show the strangers that were there how truly powerful my music can be, like it or not.

In the war against my Ego and my Highest Self, unfortunately my sheepish ego got the best of me this time.  This won’t last for long though.  I promise.

Zach

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